dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
