So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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