dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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