I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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