We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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