He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
