I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
