I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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