he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
