Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
