Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
