guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
