Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
