new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I got inside last night via doggy door
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
