genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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