we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
