Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
