non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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