dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
