On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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