Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
