I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
