You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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