we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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