did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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