the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
