I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize