why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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