My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
