Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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