wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
NoShamevember. You game?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
