I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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