We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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