Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
