I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
