Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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