Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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