I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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