I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
