Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
