He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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