Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize