Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
