I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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