today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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