nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
