I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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