P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
