I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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