he puts the penis in happiness.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
