Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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