sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
