She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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