she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
