Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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