Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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