Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
