dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
